


I Tried to Breath, but my head was under water

by Lover_of_the_lost



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Ben Solo Needs A Hug, Ben Solo is a Mess, Ben is 25, College Student Rey (Star Wars), Crying, Death, F/M, Finn Storm - Freeform, First Meetings, Flashbacks, Fluff and Angst, Hospitalization, Hospitals, How does that make you feel, I don't know how to take, Love, Love at First Sight, Meet-Cute, POV Ben Solo, POV Rey (Star Wars), Poe Dameron - Freeform, Protective Ben Solo, Rey (Star Wars) is a Mess, Rey - Freeform, Rey Needs A Hug, Reylo - Freeform, Reylo AU Week, Sad Ben Solo, Soft Ben Solo, Soulmates, Suicide Attempt, Suicide Notes, Therapy, Visions, What Are feelings? Rey, Writer Ben Solo, Young Rey, rey is 21, self love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-17
Updated: 2019-12-20
Packaged: 2021-02-26 04:02:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,044
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21827155
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lover_of_the_lost/pseuds/Lover_of_the_lost
Summary: Ben solo was suicidal. he lost his job, he can't remember the last time he ate, or showered. He can't even remember the last time he felt alive. As he was laying on his bathroom floor, feeling warm and fuzzy. with an empty pill bottle and whisky bottle; he saw her.-----In which Ben Solo attempts suicide, as he slips off into the abis, he sees and girl with brown hair and freckles, faintly talking with a British accent. After a week in the hospital, he sees her. His savior.
Relationships: Finn/Rose Tico, Kylo Ren & Rey, Kylo Ren/Rey, Leia Organa/Han Solo, Poe Dameron & Finn, Rey & Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Comments: 2
Kudos: 30





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> HI! this is my first time Writing a fan fiction in a while! the last time I wrote one was when I was 13. This is my first fan fiction in this fandom! I will hopefully will be updating frequently. this fan fiction will get pretty dark at times. so I would like to have a trigger warning. I will put warnings at the end of each chapter so you can avoid triggers. I hope you guys like this!

**I haven't written anything yet, but here's a short prompt!**

"So Ben, How do you feel?", Amilyn said while looking at her notes

he shrugged his shoulders, not moving his eyes from the window.

_angry. Tired. Sad._

"I don't know." he replied, barely a wisper, "I guess, Im just tired."

It was the second day Ben had been there, after he woke up in the hospital, he cried, threw some stuff. He wouldn't talk until Amilyn came in and brought him coffee, saying he looked like he was about to fall asleep any second. She reminded him of his mom.

"I don't think you are just tired. Ben the only way I can help you Is if you tell me what's going on in that head of yours, I want to help you and I want you to be happy, And I'm going to fight for you, I will beat someone up If I have to!" she exclaimed with her own eyed tearing up.

At that Ben broke down and told her everything.


	2. They tried to give you angle wings, but you refused to fly

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They sat in silence, only the clock ticking and the distant chatter, and Bens foot hitting the floor. Amilyn gave him a blank look. awaiting an answer, that he could not bring himself to answer. Its not like he didn't know what to say, it was that he physically couldn't. opening his mouth and closing it a few times
> 
> "I can't." he simply said. hiding his face In his hands, "I-I can't breath," Ben choked out through his tears.  
> \------  
> Bens stay in the hospital, he opens up about his past and present. 
> 
> MAJOR TRIGGER WARNING!! GO THE THE NOTES AT THE END TO READ ABOUT THEM.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I deleted the second chapter I had because I did not want to start it off that way, so if you remember some of it please disregard it :)
> 
> I lost an chapter because my laptop decided to die on me! So I got an pretty solid story planned
> 
> AGAIN READ AT THE NOTES AT THE END TO READ THE POSSIBLE TRIGGER WARNINGS

**Present**

Ben didn't remember the night he tired to kill himself or walking up in the hospital, with nurses and doctors asking him questions, he didn't speak, he had just sat in the bed and looked down on himself, he faintly remembers a woman with purple hair talking to him. she had looked at him in the eyes, and she told him it was okay. She even hugged him. Then he woke up, when the sleep wore off and he found himself in a hospital bed, getting a bearing of his surrounding he found the room was.. _Plain.._ there was no painting on the wall, and there was just two chairs by a large window, The walls were sickinly white.

why are all hospitals always so white

there was another door, he assumed it was the bathroom, and the other was an the way out. his stomach dropped, and he tried to get up but his legs gave out. falling to his knees, he gaged; nothing came up because his stomach was empty. Some how that feels worse than actually throwing up. wiping the sweat from his brow, he slowly crawled his way to the bathroom, finally collapsing when he got into the bathroom and slammed the door closed. the bathroom was the same, white on white. their was a toilet with an emergency call button by it. no trashcan _Odd,_ and a sink, with a mirror of some sorts, Ben slowly made his way to the sink, using the sided of it to lift himself up. the "mirror" was bolted on, and it wasn't even glass, making his face look dented, _why would they not have an mirror-_

Then it hit him. _He had tired to kill himself_ and even worse he _failed._ He was found and was brought here. his vision went dark for an moment. 

"shit" he mumbled

suddenly there was a knock at the door, "Mr. Solo you cannot be unsupervised in the bathroom, please keep this door open at all time, are you okay?" came a female voice 

"uhh. I-Im fine." he said opening the door for her. "I didn't know.." 

the short redhead nurse gave him a smile and she looked him over,

"well you look better Mr solo, from the last time I saw you." 

"umm. thanks..? if you don't mind me asking, what happed?"

she inhaled deeply "that's a conversation for the morning Mr.solo." 

he wanted to fight back and demand she tell him but his body wouldn't let him, he went weak in the knees and he had to hold on to the door to stay up

"Oh," the nurse went to hold him up, "the medicine they gave you will make you very weak, you aren't even supposed to be up and moving." 

she used all her strength to help Ben back to the bed, Ben was scared he would crush the little thing if he fell on her. when he sat on the bed, she gave him a smile,

"by the way Im Sarah, I will be around every so often." 

"Hi Sarah, Im Ben, but you already know that" he said sleeply

she must of noticed

"okay, well Ben do you need anything before it go, you must be very tired."

"no Sarah, Im good." 

Sarah gave a quitet okay and told him not to leave the bed with out help and she pointed out the call button. Ben fell asleep soon after

* * *

"are you having any sducidal thoughts at the moment"

he was tired of that question, they kept asking the same questions. _Are you thinking of hurting yourself? Have you had any suicidal thoughts in the past hour? How are you feeling?_

"If you keep asking me that, I will," he joked.

no one laughed, the doctors let out a sigh, they had all gotten accustomed to his _Jokes._ They had all told him not to joke about it. Which Amilyn, said it was a cooping mechanism and it was a part of healing. 

* * *

"describe yourself in three words Ben"

This purple haired therapist asked him, she looked at him and he felt he gazing into his soul, he had opened up to her about his past, he told her about Snoke, His mother and father. he had never told anyone some of the things he had told her. she gave him a diagnosis of Major depressive disorder and anxiety, PTSD. that was hard to except but she had resherd him that he would get better and that those things don't define him.

"I think you already know." he replied dully

"well, I know how I would describe you, but I want to know how _you_ would."

he inhaled deeply

"I would say; Lonley, an ass and emotional "

* * *

**Past**

**Ben solo was lonely**

He had never fit in, never really had a friend. In the few times his mom had gone to his parents teacher conference the teachers had told her, he had trouble getting along with kids and that he was showing aggression towards others. His mother had let out a disappointed sigh and just apologized, he could tell his teacher was concerned about him, they had asked about what it was like at home. looking back on it he knew they were suspecting abuse. 

He was bullied, _a lot_. 

elementary school was fine, everyone was friends. No one really noticed the differences in each other. until puberty kicked in, and everyone was trying to be cool and be pretty. everyone wanted to _fit in_. he didn't, well he did but he kept telling him self he didn't. suddenly the boy he used to carpool with started sneaking out over to his girlfriends. The girl he held hands with at recess, wore makeup and looked like she was trying to be 19, His best friend, Poe Dameron, only talked to him outside of school. He didn't even try and stop when his friend when he shoved Ben to the ground. "why don't you fly away like Dumbo, Ben." Matt had said, the kids in the hallway laughed, what hurt more than any punch or any insult was to see Poe laughing along with them. So he picked him self up once more and he walked away, he never spoke to Poe again. 

**Ben solo was an ass**

High school was different. For better or for worse, he couldn't tell. Over the summer he had worked out and worked up, he used all that pent up anger and sadness and he had found his source of relief. He was walked in the school knowing for once, no one would make fun of his again. He made it the first semester with out much people talking to him, even Matt wouldnt come near him. people would leave him alone, he had _people,_ people would sit with at lunch and wait with before school, occasionally getting rides home, they were nice, but they weren't his friends

except for this one girl, he never cared to know her name. she was in his art class, which he had to take for graduation requirements. Being a senior in a freshman dominated class was _annoying_ , But one this one girl, stuck out like a sore thump, she would say hi everyday with out fail, even after he just gave her a blank stare. She eventually wore him down and he would give her an real answer, that wasn't a grunt or a one word reply. slowly he started to feel _happy._ some small brown haired girl with an odd hair style. she was his exact opposite, she was light, he was dark, she was kind, he was not.

he messed it up thought.

One day he was walking down the hall trying to get to his class, he saw her. she was walking with her head down and hood hiding her face, she looked cold. suddenly her hood was ripped off and she was spun around, she had an black eye. The girl who took her hood off, said something he could not hear, but the kids around her snickered slightly, had he got closer he picked up on what was being said, " where did you get that black eye," the red haired girl had asked " or is it make-up? you not getting enough attention from your parents-oh that's right you don't had parents" it was a stupid insult and it had no wit behind it but he found himself laugh, the other people didn't even give him a glance but the girl look at him like a kicked puppy. tears began to well in her eyes and she ran, she never spoke to him again, he never forgave himself for doing that, he regrets it. The girl was a little bit of light in his dull day, now he was back to nothing and no one.

**Ben Solo was emotional**

He tried his best but despite his best efforts he wore his emotions on his sleeve. He was a crier, movies made him cry as did books. His dad told him to stop being so emotional but his mother welcomed it, she had told him it was okay to cry and have ever changing emotions, perhaps it was Hans typical "I will keep it inside until I die" personality, that made her so keen on having him show his emotions. until he didn't anymore, His teacher, Snoke. He had been there for him when no one was, he spent the night at his house more often then his own home. Snoke had told him that showing his emotions made him weak. So Ben learned to never show his emotions, to keep a perfect poker face. Snoke would... _test_...him and if he failed, it was back to "training". Ben had scars from him, emotional and physical. Snoke was everywhere, he had access to everything, there was no escape..well except death...but he got sucked right back in.

Ben would come home and cry almost every night, to the point the salt of his tears burned his face, once he got older, he started to drink at 15. He drank to sleep, to be numb, to get a break from his head. It worked until it didn't. then it was one to the next thing, weed. he hated it. It made his anxiety worse and it make him feel as if his IQ went down. lucky he was scared on needles, so no temptation down _that path_. He slowly went back on his alcohol in take but it still wasn't healthy.

his mother told him when he was a child he would cry and cry. she would do everything but nothing made him quiet down. 

as a boy, we would throw tantrums 

as a teenager he would fight back

as an adult he just keep it all to him self 

* * *

"Ben, you remember when we had you fill out the questions about you?"

"yes"

"I have a question. and you don't have to tell me right now, nor do you have to tell me at all, but where you sexually assulted?"

_what the hell fuck it._

"yes, I was."

He cried once again

"you are the first person to know."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING
> 
> Suicide attempt mentions
> 
> abuse mentions
> 
> sexual assault mentions  
> \------------------------  
> Love you guys 
> 
> follow my Tumblr: http://myloverofthelostsouls.tumblr.com/ 
> 
> hopefully that link works if not it's: myloverofthelostsouls 
> 
> <3 <3


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